I Speak Fluent ValleySpeak When Drunk

PAIGE – CHAPTER FOURTEEN

“Paige!  Where have you been?  I haven’t seen you in here for two weeks.”  Rhonda rushes up and gives me a bear hug.  “Well I’ve been keeping myself busy at the garage working twelve-hour days.  I’m so exhausted when I get home, I feed Mr. Darcy and drown my sorrows in red wine till I pass out.  I thought I better stop in today and get some takeout to go with my red wine tonight.”

By the looks of Rhonda’s worried face, Paige can practically hear the lecture coming.  “Paige, why didn’t you call me?  Good Lord girl, if anyone can help you drink red wine like a champ it’s me.  Hell, I am a red wine connoisseur and have an unbelievably detailed pairing list.  For instance, raw cookie dough is perfect with merlot and sweet red is delectable with sugar cookies.  It’s a gift really.”

Paige feels the hint of a smile reach the corner of her lips.  It’s the first time in two weeks that she hasn’t felt like crying.  “Rhonda, I was so depressed I didn’t know if I could be around anyone without the ugly cry surfacing.  I should have known you’d be able to pull me out of my funk.”  Grabbing my arm, Rhonda drags me to the back of the diner.  “I know what you need, Betty’s cinnamon rolls.”

The Cure for all that Ails You

“Oh my God, you’re right, I do need some of Betty’s cinnamon rolls.  I’ll take six of those to go and don’t skimp on the cream cheese frosting.   I need enough frosting to put me into a sugar coma later.”

“Paige, how about I come over after my shift.  I’ll be getting off in an hour.  We can eat cinnamon rolls paired with the perfect German Riesling and I’ll even bring poor Mr. Darcy some special kitty treats.  I don’t have to work tomorrow so we can stay up all night like we used to in High School.”

“That really sounds great, but I don’t know how long I’ll be able to stay up.  If I need to, Danny can cover for me tomorrow at the Garage.  He has been such a God send these last couple of weeks.”

Oh Shut Up Mary

Mary appears with Paige’s to-go order of Betty’s classic bacon mushroom burger and a half dozen cinnamon rolls.  “Here you go Hun, you may want to spend some time on a treadmill after all this business.”  She hands Paige the best thing she’s smelled in days.  She could practically taste the juicy goodness of the melty cheese, the hamburger and the crispy bacon.

“That is if you want to atract any other eligible men who may come into town.  It’s a shame that delicious guy you brought in here a couple weeks ago didn’t work out.”  “Mary, don’t you need to go poof your hair or readjust your rack for your admirers?”  Rhonda shewed Mary away from Paige.  “I’m sorry Paige, I told Mary to keep her trap shut but she just can’t help herself.”  Rhonda walks up and throws her arm around my shoulders and guides me back toward the front door.

“It’s ok Rhonda, I’m dealing with it. I really thought we had something special and was foolish to think like I was in a Harlequin romance.  That’s what I get for reading those stupid books, they really screwed up my sense of reality.”

“Well considering we don’t have much of a choice as far as available men, I would have jumped him too.  Quit beating yourself up over it.  I’ll see you in about forty-five minutes with wine and enough junk food for a 24-hour bitchfest.  Be careful going home kiddo.”

Paige reached out and grabbed Rhonda, hugging her with a new-found strength.  Feeling the tears rising once again I whisper into her hair, “I’ll be good until you get there, I can’t promise I won’t already be drunk though.”  Rhonda pats my back, “Go on now, I may be able to get out of here sooner if I can rope Mary into doing my end of shift prep.”

Depression Sets in Again

I pull up to my dark lonely house and sit in the car just staring blankly ahead.  Catching a whiff of the juicy cheese burger, I realized I had once again lost my appetite.  “Well get your butt moving girl, no sense in letting this food go to waste.”  Pulling off my seatbelt, I drag myself up the steps and into Mr. Darcy’s warm welcome at the front door.

Dropping my purse and keys on the counter, I hold onto my food and flop down on the sofa.  I’d been living on the sofa for the last two weeks.  I didn’t even have the energy to go upstairs to my bedroom.  Who was I kidding, I didn’t want to get into a cold bed by myself.  Sleeping with Cody had ruined me to sleeping by myself ever again.  It felt so safe and comfortable in his arms, laying on his chest, snuggled up to his side.  It was just too damn depressing.  Here come the waterworks.

Was Any of it Real?

God damn him, how in the hell did I fall in love with him so fast?  An ugly wave of jealousy washes over me toward Jessica.  Why had he strayed if they were so in love?  Surely, she must have some major character flaws for Cody to go sniffing around my tree.  Cody might be the type of guy who can’t handle monogamy.  Some guys break when the full weight of till death do us part is close to becoming a reality.

I need answers, I think I’m in love with him.  Did we truly have a special connection?  This feeling between us, it was real, I know it.  I must find out before he marries her otherwise, I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.  I’ll never be able to let it go without closure. I refuse to be Jane Austin’s Anne Elliot to Navy Captain Frederick Wentworth in the novel Persuasion.  Nope, that is not happening.

It’s Time for a Confrontation

I’ve made up my mind, I’m going to drive up to Kansas City tomorrow and confront Jessica.  She needs to know so she can make an informed decision about the rest of her life.  I know it’s selfish, but I would want to know.  I’m finishing my second glass of wine when Rhonda comes in the front door.  She looks at me shaking her head, “You’re drunk, already aren’t you?  So, are you happy drunk Paige, or sad drunk Paige?”

“Well it’s safe to say, I’m sad drunk Paige.”  I pour myself another glass of wine and raise my glass toward Rhonda, “Cheers.”

“Honey, drinking yourself to death is not going to make the hurt go away.”  Rhonda puts her supply of junk food on the breakfast bar and comes over to sit by me on the couch.  “Yeah, well, it sure as hell helps dull the pain for a little while.  I know what will fix everything absolutely everything.  I’m starting to slur my words a bit.  It’s so funny, I don’t know why but when I get super drunk, I start talking like a valley girl.  I’ve perfected the San Fernando Valspeak.  Like Oh My God, I’m such a lightweight fer sure.

“Like, I’ve decided, I’m like totally going to get in my bitchin’ ride and like totally get closure to the max.  Jessica like needs to know like whatever this thing is, is totally not going away fer sure.”

I Speak Fluent Valley Girl When I’m Drunk

“Paige, snap out of it.  You have never lived in California and you sure as hell are not anything close to Moon Unit Zappa.”  Rhonda gets up and grabs the tube of chocolate chip cookie dough.  “Here girl, take a bite of this, maybe the sugar will throw you over the edge, so you can sleep off this ridiculous idea of confronting this other woman.”

She puts “other woman” in air quotes.  “Actually Paige, for intents and purposes, you’re the other woman.  How are you going to deal with her wrath with you?  You’re the one screwing up her wedding that she’s been planning for eight months.  How would you feel is some strange woman showed up at your door step the week before your wedding with a claim to your man?”

“I’d slap her silly and call her out for the bitch she is.  But, like this is different, I don’t fuckin’ care, I need fuckin’ closure dammit.  Just because that heinous bitch saw him first doesn’t like mean she’s the right one for a righteous dude like Cody.”

Rhonda is staring at me her eyes wide and eyebrows up to her hairline.  “Paige honey, you’re talking like a crazy person whose possessed by some wackadoodle.  Girl I believe you done lost your mind.”  She quickly does the catholic sign of the cross to block any of the crazy from coming her way.

“I’m serious Rhonda, I can not sit by and let Cody marry Jessica without talking to her first.  I need to know that they are truly meant for each other.  My guess is that they are not if he was over here in Alma making out with me.  He was going to help me divest myself of my virginity for God’s sake.  Does that sound like someone whose about to get married to the love of his life?  Well, does it?”

How Did I Not Know That You’re Still a Virgin?

I’m yelling at this point, and I’m finding it harder and harder to reconcile my whole situation with how I feel for Cody.  “Wait, wait, you’re still a virgin?  Paige, how in the hell did I not know this.  I thought Bobbie Sanders took your v-card in High School.”

Looking up from the tube of cookie dough, “Nope, I shut him down after he felt me up.  He was too aggressive, and it didn’t feel right.  He was mad as hell and pushed me out of the car by Corder Cemetary where we were parking.

That was the longest darkest walk of my life.  I never told anyone, and he told everyone we’d done the deed because he had a reputation of closing the deal with the ladies.  I didn’t really care because you know I wasn’t a shiny new toy that needed to be unwrapped anymore.  It was really a relief to be honest.”

Rhonda gets up from the couch and walks over to my medicine cabinet in the kitchen.  She pulls out a bottle of ibuprofen, pours a glass of water, and walks back over to the couch where I am fading fast.  “Here Ms. Lightweight, take three of these and drink all this water.  I think you are done drinking for the evening.”

Sad Drunk Paige

“But I haven’t even touched the bottle you brought yet.”  Rhonda reached down and took the now empty glass of water from my hand.  “Come on wino, time for beddy-bye before you pass out down here.”  She pulled my arm over her shoulders and grabbed me around the waist with her other arm to walk me up the now endless staircase to my bedroom.

Slurring my words even more now, “Oooh Rhondaaa, you know how muuuch I luuuve youuuu?”  I reach up with both my hands in front of me, “this much!”  She continues up the stairs with me as I get heavier and heavier.  “Alright, Paigey, come on.”

We finally reach my bedroom and I fall on the bed with my legs hanging over the side.  “Rhonda, you’re not going to leave me, are you?  Please don’t leave me.”  The tears start flowing again, “I can’t sleep by myself, I just can’t.  Please don’t leave me.”

“Paige, it’s going to be all right.  I’m not going to leave you, ok?  Now stop that sobbing, you’re gonna get your pillows all wet.”  Rhonda pulls off my shoes, jumper, and bra and left me in my t-shirt and underwear.  Pulling my legs up onto the bed, she puts me under the covers.  Climbing in after me, she lets me snuggle into the crook of her arm.

“Shhhh there, there, it’s going to be all right.  I promise.”  As I drifted off to Rhonda’s soft rhythmic stroking of my hair, I was even more determined to go to Kansas City tomorrow and confront Jessica Collins, the girl who saw Cody first.